For the past few weeks, whenever someone asks how I am doing, an image of a snake shedding its skin appears in my mind’s eye. The outer old layer, which no longer fits, still encasing its form. Carrying on, aware of its presence, waiting for it to shed and become anew. Frustrated but accepting and patient.
Since deciding to embark upon a year without alcohol I have debated the level of exposure I wanted to give it. It is a personal pilgrimage, but I know I need accountability, support and people to share the ups and downs of the journey with. I have resolved that sharing the journey doesn’t mean it isn’t personal. And that the barrier to sharing was more my paradigms surrounding perfectionism and worthiness.. what right do I have to share about this journey when others have accomplished more and know more? What happens if I cant keep it up? I’ll start when I am further in etc etc.. all just fears and excuses which I need to move past, so here we go. My first ever blog post 🙂
Sobriety is a concept that has been playing on my mind for a while now. Initially as revolutionary but too big of a challenge, to something that I knew I could rise to. New years resolution it became! I do not normally buy into new year’s resolutions but this was a big decision for me and so I treated myself to a fair amount of warning to get my head round it. Plus, only fearless masochists take on a challenge like this just before their first Christmas back home in three years!
It has now been 41 days since I last drank alcohol… well 40 if you consider that I most definitely had a few glasses after midnight on NYE “saying goodbye” to prosecco. Regardless, the longest that I can remember.
I have been going about life as I normally would, just minus the alcohol. I faced countless opportunities to push back my start date from day one; leaving London, flying, arriving in Mauritius, an all-inclusive day sesh, one final absolute last “one for the road” hurrah. I’m proud to say I resisted.
Over the past three years there have been so many transformations in my life, there really isn’t much the same. From feeling lost but keeping busy in London, distracting from the unhappiness of my lack of purpose, to living on paradise islands immersed in nature finally filled with joy and gratitude for all that life has to offer. As I follow my soul’s purpose feeling increasing alignment and integrity throughout my life, there was one piece of my life which wasn’t making sense for me anymore. My relationship with alcohol.
I think that previously, reviewing your relationship with alcohol suggested you had a problem. The label ‘alcoholic’ is bound to defensively steer most ‘few drinks on the weekend’ types away from questioning why and how we consume. These days, or maybe just in my personal diet of influence, there feels a lot more space to explore different lifestyle choices.
Growing up I have been surrounded by drinking as a norm; it was how I socialised with family, friends and colleagues. To some degree it was socialising. A mechanism for conversation supporting a flow of joy and frivolity.
When I was younger, I used to be quite shy. Quietly confident with my studies, more than happy to sing my heart out anywhere, but not very confident when it came to conversation. I remember at one of our family parties when I was about 12 feeling like a fish out of water. My friend, who was much better at adult conversation was mingling about. My mum, wanting me to integrate and spread my wings amongst the grown ups, made a throwaway “why cant you be more like..?” comment. A comment that I couldn’t shift. A desire to be something that I was not. An act I needed to develop. A performance that alcohol helped me put on.
I think that a lot of life is growing to feel worthiness and love, just as you are. To be able to just be. Inner serenity. I think that a lot of us use numbing tactics such as alcohol to distract from the bits of ourselves we don’t like and find too uncomfortable to sit with. Crippled by not feeling good enough, I’ve spent years with a glass in hand easing myself into a version of myself that I thought people preferred. That I thought I preferred. Looking for validation and avoiding vulnerability by playing parts in other people’s stories.
It has been a wild adventure actually getting to know myself over the past few years. It’s an exciting journey that I don’t want to end. I feel that there are so many treasures waiting to be revealed in a spirit free year and I am also ready to face the discomforts that alcohol helped alleviate. So, it’s time to shed this old sodden skin, layered with memories of a girl I used to know. It’s time to uncover my true essential nature.
Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.
Paul Coelho
