Now officially two months without my old pal booze, I have been navigating some pretty big emotions. I guess I knew I was signing up for this and my whole aim was to allow myself to navigate the darkness so that I can move forward living in the light.

I am pretty sure I have cried every day for the past two weeks. Normally this would have been something that I would have tried to avoid happening, let alone admitting. The fact is, I am pretty sure that I have laughed out loud each one of those days too. Sometimes the tears have felt heavy and sometimes they have felt like an incredible release. Sometimes in fact, they have actually been beautifully doused in deep love and joy. I have been doing a lot of professional and personal research into releasing emotions and happily using myself as a guinea pig to test processes. Whilst it hasn’t always been comfortable, its become easier and less scary letting go and letting the emotions flow.

I have reflected a lot on how emotions used to be something that I felt like I had to deal with by myself. Take myself away, sort myself out and then come back and present the “best” version of myself. The positive, uplifting side that myself and others are more comfortable with. The sad thing about this is that I think it actually stands in the way of true connection, with ourselves and others. Like we are saying to ourselves that the sad bit isn’t welcome and not good enough to be acknowledged by others. So many of us are off doing this, feeling alone and rejecting parts of ourselves. It’s easy to forget that everything exists in it’s contrast, we only know joy through also knowing sadness.

What really is it about the more “negative”/lower vibration emotions that is so scary? Fear we will get stuck there? Fear of how they are perceived? Fear of it transferring to others? That we are all too fragile and already doing our best and don’t need it to be any harder?

I think there is a big difference between becoming attached to negative thought patterns and needing to release natural emotions such as sadness and anger. Experiencing emotions is what makes us human, tears are a bodily function for a reason. Sometimes you just gotta let those boohoos out. Allow yourself to consider water as emotions and then tears are your body letting go of those emotions. Its kinda cute really. I think what causes problems is when we try to go against the natural flow and functions of the body by resisting this. Then, when you aren’t working in harmony with yourself, things can build up and manifest into bigger and heavier feelings than they were.

I felt a lot of resistance recently when all my emotional responses were triggered. When will they go away? How do I fix this? I have been through this before, told and resolved this whole story within myself, I know better, why am I doing this to myself again?… Not being kind to myself with it at all.

I come back to that message I keep getting here, “Take your time”.

Accept this is how you are feeling and allow it to be. I’m doing some super deep shadow work, feeling and releasing deep repressed and suppressed emotions. This isn’t a quick fix. It is a massive act of love for myself which I will be able to share with others. This is part of the grounding foundations from which I can coach. Not from a point of knowing the processes and how to help. But from feeling and experiencing the processes and living through helping myself.

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light

Brene Brown

I had some really difficult experiences in Mauritius towards the end of my time there. I felt like old shadows were following me no matter how brightly I shone. I was frustrated and couldn’t understand why things were happening, what I needed to do or change to free myself from it.

What I have come to accept is that I need to explore the darkness. Allow myself to truly witness it and accept it. Darkness is everywhere, in all of us, no matter how much we try to not see it. No one is “Good” or “Bad”, we are everything in different measures through varying lenses and perspectives. You cant escape from part of you. You can understand and love that part of you allowing it to gently rest within you not seeking attention. Knowing you have the power to destroy but choosing to spread love.

“Nothing in the world is softer
and weaker than water.
But for attacking the hard, the unyielding,
nothing can surpass it.
There is nothing like it.

The weak overcomes the strong;
the soft surpasses the hard.
In all the world, there is no one who does not know this,
but no one can master the practice.

Therefore the master remains
serene in the midst of sorrow;
evil cannot enter his heart.
Because he has given up helping,
he is the people’s greatest help.

True words appear paradoxical.”

Tao te Ching, Chapter 78 translated by Wayne D. Dyer

Another favourite chapter from the Tao de Ching, about Living like Water.
Water cannot be held onto, will softly run over your skin but has the power to wipe out a nation. The sound of waves gently crashing against the shore or the trickling of water over rocks soothes my soul. The same way that that I have realised gently allowing emotions to flow does.

Last week, when I had gotten over my whole “I didn’t want to cry today” mentality, I still felt like I didn’t want to be seen doing so. I used to find that I would talk about my emotions with an emotional shield of alcohol. In that, with the slight numbness I could address trauma and pain feeling less afraid, more dissociated and therefore less likely to cry. I don’t have that option now, well I do but its eliminated from the choices I want to make. And in that I went to a women’s circle on connecting with emotions. I thought twice about whether I wanted to go knowing that if I showed up, as I intended to for myself, that the chances of me balling my eyes out were HIGH!

I went. I was crying before I even started speaking and then for a solid two minutes whilst I shared before the tears started to fade away and I could speak clearly and lightly. It was beautiful. I felt so warm and fuzzy and held being so raw. It all just melted away and before you knew it we were all smiling and laughing feeling such a strong real connection after holding space for us all to be vulnerable.

I used to think that alcohol helped connection. I used to love those end of the night deep chats where you poured your hearts out to each other. Where I felt I could. It wasn’t until someone pointed out to me that it doesn’t help connection at all that I really started to consider that it didn’t. This was one of the comments that drove me to want to explore an alcoholless life. What does true depth of connection, just as you are, feel like?

I can tell you its intense but also incredible! It gets easier with practice and with experience becomes more natural. I am reassured in knowing that its all going to be okay.

So this week I invite you to sit with that question.

“How are you feeling? Really?”

Not how you think you feel, not how you want to feel or think you should feel. How do you actually FEEL? And sit with it, allow it, send it some love, share it with others and release it. And just like a wave, watch it come, release control, surf it until it passes and breathe. YOU GOT DIS. YOU ARE AMAZING and you are ALIVE!