It has been an interesting time. There’s been a lot at play within me and I have been observing it and waiting for it to pass. Using my toolkit to try and help get myself get back to the version of myself that I am most comfortable with being and sharing. However, from a place of loving and accepting all the bits that make me me, I know it’s time to give my shadow some airtime. 

I was hoping that the way I was feeling was just the full moon in Libra that illuminated the skies last week, but I know that it’s not just that. There were so many factors at play:

Full moon – Astrology – A call for balance 

My personal quest for freedom – Learning to freedive – Giving up caffeine 

Integration – A call to just be and sit with all I’ve learnt and shifted 

Getting used to the adjustments of sobriety  – Who I truly am  – Accepting the losses of the path which fulfils me 

Lonely but wanting to be alone – My shadow 

I’ll start there as it’s felt like the most important.  Sitting in the feeling of loneliness is pretty uncomfortable. Owning what you chose, knowing that you wanted it but feeling the reality of it is sometimes where its easy to disown yourself and choose comfort or distraction.  

I’ve felt some big internal shifts happening since I got back from Koh Phangan. The effects of the inner walk retreat are still rippling over me. Trying to settle into a routine here and also plan my imminent move back to Koh Phangan whilst learning to freedive and undergo a big full moon in Libra. Feeling lonely but not wanting to be alone. Having such little energy and some mornings wanting to retire to the couch by 11am. Feeling completely not like “myself”.  

The thing is that as much as the energetic, joyful and powerful side is me, there is also a much quieter reclusive side. That little girl who wasn’t really sure where she fitted in or who she was. Part of self realisation and revelation is about being able to see, hold space for and love all the bits of you that make you who you are.  

I notice my inner voice to that part of myself can sometimes not be kind. Why aren’t you more energetic? What is wrong with you? We’ve got shit to do, sort your self out! Come on! 

Am I sick? What is happening? What is going on?  

I realise that I am so use to justifying or blaming that need for rest on things I have done “wrong” like going out or drinking too much. Burning the candle and not looking after myself, whereas now I am caring for myself and my soul the best I ever have in my whole life. It’s a new world of getting used to just simply being tired and wanting downtime not because of a hangover. I feel resistance to the reality of simply needing to be by myself and rest. 

And I think the reason that this feeling developed into loneliness was because I was not connecting and listening to myself.  

Maybe its okay to not want to not achieve anything other than a little walk and a swim some days. Maybe its okay to watch netflix on the sofa eating an array of treats once in a while. Maybe its okay to want to spend time with myself and let everything integrate.  

If you need to rest, rest 

If you need comfort, take it 

If you need quiet, own it 

If you need connection, connecting with yourself isn’t a bad way to start 😊 

I feel different in Koh Tao upon my return. I don’t really feel connected to anyone here. I guess I created the space to let what I want in and now it’s wide open waiting for me to hop across the seas and receive it. It reminds me of my post ‘Knowing When to Leave‘ and I guess quite simply, its just time to leave. 

Its so beautiful here. I could literally snorkel all day. But as beautiful as it is, I’d like someone I feel connected to to share it with.  Ultimately, in the words of my Nana

You are not a fish, Jayne

Joyce Phillips

I guess the whole process I went through in Inner walk was owning truly how much I want to welcome love into my life and that I do want someone special or even just deep connections to share these experiences with. As many times I can hear from a spiritual place that we are never alone as we are all one, I don’t think that human beings are meant to be alone. Or at least not this one. We are tribal creatures meant to be part of a tribe. And I would like to find mine.  

As much as I’ve loved my time in Koh Tao, I have spent a lot of time by myself in staying true to what I want to do. It’s the sort of place that people come to mostly dive or party. And to be honest, until I left I was very happy in my routine and own company here. But Koh Phangan showed me, and told me to come back and stay. 

Its great when you get in the practice of listening to yourself that you know how decisions feel in your body, mind and heart. In the silence you can receive clear messages as to what your path is. 

Thinking about a decision, does it excite you? Does it give your body energy for action towards it? If so, do it! 

So in travelling where I feel guided to, I’ll set off to Koh Phangan where there feels like much more my style of community and like minded options. I’m excited! It means getting way out of my comfort zone again, very basic living and expanding the limits of self enquiry and growth. But I am here for it. It’s the whole reason I headed over here in the first place. 

I had originally planned to go to Koh Phangan when leaving Mauritius but had been a bit warded off by the tantric sex cults, wild drug parties and high demand for accommodation. But I know that I can hold space for those things to exist around me and explore the spiritual parts of island that serve my current state of being. I kinda see Koh Phangan as a little like me, well known for the full moon party and being a big energy hedonistic scene but if you get to know it and take time to spend time in its nature, its magical and has so much to give and teach.  

And as I start packing and getting ready to leave, I cant help but thank my guidance system for drawing me into my downtime these past couple of weeks in Koh Tao. For the beautiful solo ocean moments alone and sofa snuggles with cats, treats and Netflix. For reminding me to trust, love and accept all of the bits of me. And to know that I am connected to something so much greater than me and its all just part of the process.